photos: Victor Matheus Diniz

“So, how did you two meet?” I hear myself ask.

15 years ago the Berlin duo Stereo Total sang about threesomes and here I was, the summer of 2015, meeting another couple for what feels like a therapy session but is really a vetting meeting for a possible threesome. How did I end up with yet another “straight” couple that is queering up their existence with a shared Tinder profile, my dear reader? The answer is simple: Because I’m an excellent middle ground for any couple. I’m cute enough to not be intimidating yet hot enough to provoke desire. I’m running an unregistered non-profit. Headquarters? My pants.

A unicorn is defined by the Urban Dictionary as “A bisexual person, usually female […] who is willing to join an existing couple […] and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple.” As this description suggests, they’re rare and mystical.

My coupled friends usually approach me the moment they’ve decided that they would like to introduce another set of genitals to their shared sheets. Not to have me join them (they have more sense than that) but to ask how to find a unicorn. My rather dodgy qualifications being that I write a dating column and that I’ve had threesomes in every possible combination and setting.

In my experience, the easiest unicorn to find is a male one as an addition to a male and female couple. You’d be very surprised how many men listed as straight on dating sites will message a bi-couple looking for a second man. Making two dudes go splitsies on your vagina sometimes unleashes things which are best addressed in a less sexually charged atmosphere. It warms my queer heart as much as it breaks it. Boys! Be proud! Enjoying various genitalia attached to various bodies is not something you should ever be afraid to admit to (fuck you very much {internalized} bi-phobia).

My least favorite but probably in general most common threesome is the one featuring a “heterosexual” couple and an additional girl. Anything that enhances his fragile masculinity rather than diminishes it. Because, “Two girls, bro!” It’s a Marmite issue. Either you enjoy the feeling of being the star doing a one-night-only performance or you feel slightly uncomfortable with the fact that he is a bit too much into you and is neglecting someone else who in turns gives him a bleeding bite mark to remind him of her existence (yeah, it was as awkward as you think).

I’ve heard terrible stories of aborted threesomes. I have been lucky enough to avoid any until now. The set-up isn’t as magical as the arts lead you to believe. Turns out men are super scared to end up with another man that’s more attractive than them while girls are usually very cool about that.

I generally find that being the unicorn comes with as much advantage as disadvantage. Joining an existing couple is fun, and if done right it’s emotional labour that will yield in orgasms. Couples do have a certain privilege and you’ll be the odd one out no matter how well things go. There is nothing less dignifying than having to fend off someone that really wants to be part of an existing relationship. So please, don’t ever lower yourself to that.

In turn, if you’re part of an existing couple make sure you’ve worked through all the issues that might be lingering before having someone join your panty-party. If you’re unhappy with your coupled-sex life, a threesome will not fix that – unicorns are not that magical.

Another word of warning has to be issued about people being turned into a commodity; of course the unicorn isn’t supposed to have any emotional claims of their own, but let’s be honest for just one second: if you really, truly want to avoid (possible) emotional fallout I’d advice you to hire a skilled, professional sex worker that is willing to work with couples.

A good unicorn is hard to come by. If there is any place to create a nature preservation reservoir for the last few out there, Berlin must be it.

Text: Alix Berber, Photo: Victor Matheus Diniz

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Alix Berber is iHeartBerlin’s newest dating columnist. The Tattletale Heart tells stories of desire, infatuation and the ghosts of lovers past. They are the dating-chronicles of a hopeless romantic with serious trust issues in the capital of the notoriously unattached.

You can follow Alix on Twitter and Facebook.

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by
on April 13th, 2016
updated on July 18th, 2016
in Stories