Why the Fuck Am I Single?

Gay Dating Berlin Grindr-0380

photos: Stella Manouseli

Location: Berlin. Display Name: … Remember to pick a super funny and witty name later. Edit Profile. About Me: …Uhm… Well, twenty-something, decent height, well proportioned, I’d say, comparably smart. Looking for… Mr. Right …or Mr. Right now (?). Relationship Status: Single.

That’s probably what I typed into some dating app 5 years ago after moving to Berlin. Things changed, but that one thing hasn’t: Relationship status: Single! Single, Single, SINGLE! Let’s be honest here, I want a boyfriend, no denying that. We all want a professional cuddling partner. So, no shade! People have said I’m “damn cute”, “oh so hilarious”, “definite bf material” and I have spent a whole lot of time on living up to my own visual expectations. Time that I could have easily used on pizza, beer, and Sex and the City binge watching. Still, I can tell many bed stories, but no love story. So, seriously guys, why the fuck am I single? But, as the hopeless, self-ironic optimist that I am. I see every awkward date and disturbing sexual encounter as a funny, absurd life lesson to learn from, laugh about and carry on. And, as I am such a talkative person I will let y’all participate now, life lesson by life lesson. And maybe by the end of it all I will write ‘Lesson #378: How I got my boyfriend’ … but first things first:

Lesson #1: THE GRIND

It’s a Tuesday night in Berlin, 3am and I’m in my bed, staring at my phone. Why? I don’t quite know. I am in some tunnel vision looking at a never-ending grid of eggplants. peaches and arrow signs going up and down. I grind, I grind, looking, looking, looking for what? It’s not like I’m actually gonna get up now, nor do I really want some random dude in my bed. But still… My apathetic stare is interrupted by a new message popping up. ThunderstormXXL sends a “Hi”, impromptu followed by a picture of his Penis. Mmhm, what an elaborate effort ThunderstormXXL. Thanks but no thanks. CHOP.

Just another Tuesday night – 3am – Berlin Friedrichshain.

Grindr, for those of you who aren’t familiar, is a dating application for gay men. But, as men generally like to put their genitals into…well, it’s less dating more sex app. Did I know this five years ago when my quest for Mr. Right in the big city began? Nope. So, you can imagine the traineeship in big city, gay (sex) life was quite a rapid one. Not that I complain. Given my tendency to socially awkward behavior when it comes to flirting my sexual encounters would have been extremely limited. – If it wasn’t for this lil’ yellow application.

As with any gay men, I’d say, Grindr is equally my best friend and archenemy. ‘Cause honestly, we all like to do the nasty, so it’s great, fast, uncomplicated. “Hi”, “Hi”, “More Pics?”, “Wanna meet?” BOOM. Done. On the other hand, it’s a pretty disturbing freak show. My friend Casper does not manically delete and re-download the app every other week without reason. For him, as a mid-twenties gay who tends to struggle with his own insecurities and body image a grid full of hyper-masculine dudes showing off their perfectly trained bodies, looking for nothing more but fast sex, can be quite, well,… let’s say counterproductive. But then, EVERYONE is on it, so I gotta be too, right?!

Yet, there comes a time when you want something more. And, I came to realize that getting someone to go on a proper Date on Grindr is like making a Berliner say: “I really like Brandenburg.”. Also, it’s never quite Disney-romantic anyways when his half-naked profile already suggests what sexual activities could follow, in what position and length and potential fetish preferences. Easy, you say. Just go out or switch to more modest dating apps, try Gay Parchip or so… Problem is: The mere existence of a grid out there filled with potent, willing males results in a general gay fear of commitment (Me included). I mean, you don’t tell a kid in a candy store: “You could eat everything. But, could you be a dear and only pick one thing?”… yeah right.

It is so easy, accessible, convenient, while totally confusing and traumatizing. Damn, the thought of comfortably finding Mr. Right from my couch seemed so appealing. Ah well, poor me. Gotta get up then. He is out there, but most likely not waiting on Grindr. At least I won’t expect it no more.

Lesson learned.

It’s still cute, late at night when you want nothing more but someone to tell you “You’re hot!” while looking at his private parts on your phone. Most basic satisfaction of needs. It’s very easy: “Hi”, “Hi”, “More Pics!” And thank you!

Andy by Andy
on August 3rd, 2017
updated on August 3rd, 2017
in Stories
7 Comments »

7 Responses to “Why the Fuck Am I Single?”

  1. Dw Says:

    Pfff Berlin is about ass fck – thats it. U will never find here the true love …probably u not even looking for it.

  2. Hendrik Says:

    Wait ? This, hum….it’s a text from 1996 when gaychat went live, ain’t it ? Not sure what has changed.

  3. Dan Says:

    True, simple and thank you! <3

  4. Everton Says:

    Well, you probably know better now than me where we could potentially find the Mr. Right.. if yes tell me ;)

  5. Gero Says:

    For a looong time it felt to me like a gay problem but since I talk about it lots of hetero friends tell me the same thing. And I got to the point where I believe that’s two completely different things: having random sex or finding the one.
    For finding random sex Grindr, Romeo, tinder etc work very well – but because they work so well for sex and it’s expected to have all the sexy pics it’s hard to have a proper talk about something else. And for finding the one you need to find a way of connecting beyond dick pics.
    So maybe a platform where you actually chat without any sexy pics appear might work. Maybe a dating platform without pictures altogether would be the solution. So all people on that platform would be willing to write a proper profile, and talk about common interests and could maybe match. Without the hard gatekeeper of “you’re not sexy enough”.

    (The best relationships I had were with guys I didn’t have very good sex with. And that was okay, because it is something different to have sex or to have someone to talk, cuddle and share your life with.)

  6. Frank Frank Says:

    It’s interesting to see how everyone makes really different experiences on those dating apps. I for my part managed to have lovely dates with guys who were looking for more than just sex on Grindr, Scruff and Tinder. It depends a bit on how you present yourself on those apps and what kind of people you approach there. It also requires a certain amount of patience and persistence I would say. Some people don’t appear to have a lot of that these days. I managed to make friends through the apps with guys who I ended up not having a sexual or romantic chemistry with, but generally got along with very well. And ultimately I met my now husband through Tinder. I’ve heard from a few couples who have been together for long who met on apps. It’s not at all an impossibility.

  7. Gero Says:

    I found my last boyfriend on Romeo and we were together for 1.5 years. Sure, it is possible but to me it doesn’t seem very likely. It’s hard to filter profiles by common interests or similar believes when they basically show naked bodies.
    It is possible but it needs a huge amount of time and try and error to find the people who are more interested in you than in your body.

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