Once upon a time there was a stunningly beautiful bearded princess called Mary-Jane. Contrary to her magnificent looks she lived in a quite unglamorous place called Berlin. It was a small little town mostly inhabited by poor people and other kinds of basic bitches. But Mary-Jane loved it here anyway because it was a tranquil place without a lot of fuzz and she just loved the feeling to be the most beautiful girl in the village.
But she had one problem that gave her a lot of grief. Despite her impeccable looks and most charming wits she couldn’t for the love of god find a damn boyfriend. And it wasn’t for lack of options because Berlin was actually known to host the most attractive man-meat on the mainland. The problem was quite another: There were just too many! It was like grabbing into a bucket full of slippery fish. It’s simply impossible to hold on to one: Just a lubricated whip with the tail and they were gone.
But Mary-Jane wouldn’t give up! Relentlessly she looked all over town to find the right one. Every seedy nightclub, every darkroom, every glory hole, every hipster cafe and vintage shop in the furthest corners of Neukölln. She even tried the latest technologies, randomly added hot guys on Facebook and liked all their profile pictures, posted photoshopped selfies on Instagram and used all the stupid augmented reality filters on Snapchat. But nothing worked.
She had almost given up hope when one day all of a sudden she found him in the most unexpected place you can imagine: Tinder! Mary-Jane couldn’t believe her eyes when she saw the sexiest guy on the screen of her bedazzled pink iPhone. He was perfect. Well, you couldn’t actually see the face, only a pretty flattering shot of his ass, but this was one amazing behind – the rest of him couldn’t be much worse, she thought.
But before she had a chance to enjoy her triumph tragedy struck again: She accidentally swiped his ass left even though she just meant to flick through his gallery. NOOOOOO!!!!
Mary-Jane was devastated. Luck was so near and yet so far. The guy was gone and there was nothing she could do about it. She knew the first moment she laid eyes on his ass that he was her one and only true love, but destiny’ was not on her side that day. “Fuck. My. Life.” Mary-Jane said. No-one laughed.
In her frustration Mary-Jane went on a juice cleanse. She just didn’t care anymore. After a few days she was in such a state that she started to see things. In her delusion she saw the new Berlin airport getting finished, the rents suddenly lowering and all restaurants and shops over town suddenly accepting credit cards.
Than one day she saw something less unbelievable: A weirdly shaped purple thought bubble that had popped up over her head. And it read the following: “Oh my glob, get the fuck over it already!!!”
“NO!” Mary-Jane said, determined to continue wallowing in her misery, “I can’t. I can’t even… I literally can’t because my Tinder app broke and it’s not showing me any new guys no matter how long I wait for that damn radar thingy to hover. I think I literally swiped the entire town left and it’s November which is low tourist season so no luck there either.”
“Oh.” the purple thought bubble read.
“Exactly. That fine piece of ass was my only hope and now he’s gone.” Mary-Jane shook her head in despair making her big cotton candy wig wobble.
“I know how you can find him.” revealed the thought bubble. “Go to the seven drag queens. These bitches know everyone in town and you should be able to collect some clues from them to find your ass boy.”
“Really? But where do I find those magnificent queens?” asked Mary-Jane.
“I wouldn’t go so far as to call them magnificent, it’s all just cheap make-up, plastic wigs and hooker heels. But that’s beside the point. Where do you find these queens of the night? Well, let me think. One of them normally works the door of Monster Ronson’s on Saturdays making people pay who are actually on the guest list. The other one is usually digging through disgusting polyester fabrics with sequins at the Turkish market on Fridays. Than there’s the one who lives inside the cue in front of Berghain feeding on the fear of people who are afraid of getting rejected at the door. Another one works in a sleazy brothel on Kurfürstenstraße waiting to collect lost pieces from the hooker outfits…”
“Oh my god, I seriously can’t be bothered to hunt them down at all these places. Isn’t there an easier way?” Mary-Jane was not having it.
“Well, you could try to catch them on a Wednesday night in the forrest at Tiergarten. Apparently outdoor cruising is celebrating a big comeback this year and there’s not much else going on that weekday. They’ll all be there.” This was indeed helpful advice. And so Mary-Jane went on her way into the magical forrest to find the seven drag-queens. “Hold-up, girlfriend. Not so fast. There’s one more thing you need to know: All of these queens are nasty in their own, sickening ways, but two of them are actually quite mean. We like to call them bitter queens. Beware of those as they will not help you, they will only feed you lies and give you the shadiest of shades. So the earlier you collect some useful clues from the good queens the better!” Mary-Jane considered herself warned, kind of. She was distracted with Snapchat so she didn’t get the entire thing. Off she went anyway…
To be continued (unless no-one likes this shit)…
PS: GIF “art” featuring PANSY and Absinthia Absolut, involuntarily…
