The Depths of Oral Sex

photos: Eylül Aslan

Oral sex is a sticky topic across all genders. Putting your mouth on/around/into someone else’s genitals is somehow a battleground of opinions.

What I find curious is that’s (almost) a non-issue between homosexual pairings. In the meantime, douchey guys running around proudly proclaiming how they “don’t eat pussy” are combated by another species of men: the guy that loves to munch on fur burgers. And even the latter is usually only mediocre to tolerable at it. (Although I’ve met one or two exceptions in my time. Sadly they’re both dead. To me anyway.)

The jerk that doesn’t like to attend to an axe wound is only drowned out by the “good guy” gushing about how into it he is after one or two drinks. One of these guys once told me that the “secret” to being good at it was “actually enjoying it”. I’m horrified by the sheer notion that someone would commit sexual acts they’re not “actually” excited about. By the way, aforementioned guy went down on me that night, after 20 minutes of mediocre oral I had to pull him up, pat him on the head and tell him that his efforts were appreciated but fruitless. He in turn told me that he was sure I had just come. So, what’s a girl gotta do if even moaned instructions fall on deaf ears between her thighs? Surely not fake an orgasm! The whole thing reminded me of the German adage of “well meant doesn’t equal well done”. Life is too short for bad oral sex.

I am of course a firm believer in never looking down on someone (unless you’re receiving head). I have no intention of shaming anybody! My aim is to raise the question why face-fucking involving a dick is a staple in porn, while face-sitting is still regarded as a special interest area. I know, my dear reader, you are smart enough to distinguish between porn and reality, but why have I rarely encountered someone with a dick that didn’t enjoy oral but lots of people with vaginas that “don’t really care” for it?

The root of why there is a lack of cunning linguists (I’m so, so sorry) is a societal one: clear and simple. Women are still conditioned from a very early age on to put other people’s desires and wants first, which creates the feeling that it’s “wrong” if they’re supposed to just enjoy something. People with vaginas are still (and regularly) not only shamed for enjoying sexual acts that focus on just their pleasure, but are actively discouraged from asking for them or voicing their precise needs in that specific “area”.

Cunnilingus shouldn’t just be seen as gateway to sex: it is in itself a full sexual act to be enjoyed outside of the pressure that penetration is supposed to follow once you’re “wet enough.”

I’ve personally made that dynamic work for me. The best oral sex I’ve ever had lasted two minutes and forty seconds from start to climax (Yes, I actually timed it). You would be surprised how competitive some boys can become in attempts to please you. I urge you, my dear readers, to demand and negotiate your needs. It’s time we fight sloppy, unpassionate oral and move on to screaming orgasms. Go, find out what you like and talk to your partner about it! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Or as Monty Python put it: “Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine.”

Text: Alix Berber, Photo: Eylül Aslan

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Alix Berber is iHeartBerlin’s newest dating columnist. The Tattletale Heart tells stories of desire, infatuation and the ghosts of lovers past. They are the dating-chronicles of a hopeless romantic with serious trust issues in the capital of the notoriously unattached.

You can follow Alix on Twitter and Facebook.


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