photos: Pornceptual
Location: Berlin. Display Name: German flag – English flag – Arrow sign – Random vegetable – Teddy Emoji?. Edit Profile. About Me: I re-downloaded this 5 minutes ago, didn’t come up with something cool just yet. Sorry. Looking for: Uhm… Relationship Status: Single.
It’s a new year, a blank page before me, a land full of opportunity to… regain my optimism about finding love, even in Berlin. Ok, maybe not love, let me downsize this, someone who asks me for my name and not my dick size… Yeah, that should be doable, right? 2018? You game? In a city where gays from all over the world basically live door-to-door, (Literally, I’m pretty sure my next-door neighbor is gay) it can’t be that hard to find someone who’s compatible in bed – watching Disney movies, eating chocolate chip ice cream and … Oh wow, romantic comedies fucked up my expectations! Anyways, hopeful, and possibly delusional, I log into my dating app of choice and … Aaah that was why…!
Why the fuck am I single #5
I did not check the party schedule for a change, but something has to be going on. Otherwise, I can not explain the number of profiles saying VISITING, plus “Pig” or “Devil Emoji”. I’m annoyed. But why? VISITING is the ultimate code word for “No strings attached man, let’s do IT.” But, gay tourists in Berlin have a vibe, and that vibe just feels like its getting out of hand. This finds its absurd climax twice a year when the Techno Temple hosts its male-only sex/fetish party SNAX. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great, get your fuck on – That is sexual freedom! Not that I and my friends eagerly want to hang around in sex swings, but we’ve all done things, that’s Berlin. So, you do you! However, weekend after weekend, Grindr visit after Grindr visit, it feels like Berlin’s excessive image among gays around the world becomes more and more disturbing. A city that has created an impression, especially among gay men, that at some point started to just run for itself, seemingly. A totally unrealistic phantasy in all the kinky, adventurous minds around the world, making it the ultimate place of sexual fulfillment. So basically, Berlin is one big darkroom and we’re continuously celebrating one giant chemsex orgy party here. Right… So it’s:
Just another Friday night – 21h – all over Berlin
Group chat, message from Juan: “I think all the hotels of Schöneberg are booked out with Mediterranean sex tourists. My whole Grindr has a dark beard, says VISITING and SEX NOW!” Casper replies with an “Eyeroll Emoji” and: “I logged out, cannot be bothered.” Wise decision. On the other side of town in Friedrichshain, I’m looking at the same grid, wondering about the beehive of gay tourists that seems to buzz inside the Hotels around Ostbahnhof. I mean, so damn convenient if “XXLchemsNOW” and “SubBottomNOW” just have to jump from one room to another, before the night has even started. But I don’t wanna be a cleaning lady at Moxy Hotel Ostbahnhof. These stains won’t come off that easily…
And there goes my New Years optimism. It just feels like I’m living in Gay Disneyland, and I am merely an employee who has to satisfy the sexual expectations of its thirsty visitors. Like I’m some sexy Micky Mouse, and that Micky Mouse has to fulfill the wildest sex fantasies without batting an eye, and what the fuck is wrong with me, if I don’t want to? “It’s Berlin dude, hello?!” I should have followed my friends’ advice and just go off any application showcasing this absurdity in a systematic grid. “Nun ja”.
I love Berlin, especially Berlin nightlife. It’s wild, kinky, and nothing short of fabulous. But just because I enjoy most aspects of it, doesn’t mean I gotta do everything that comes with it. That’d be the same logic as standing in front of a buffet and eating all of it, just because you can. I’m suddenly reminded of the time I had an adventurous/naive moment and went to the hotel room of “2Italiansvisiting”, a short, yet formative experience. When, after a quick hello, the first G bottle ended up on the nightstand, and “2italiansvisiting” made it clear that they don’t believe in condoms, I turned on my heels. “Bitch Bye!” On leaving I’m pretty sure someone behind me uttered the words: “Damn, what a prude!” Yeah right, ’cause a bareback chemsex threesome is just what Berliners do, on a Wednesday night, at 7pm. Mhm. So admittedly, starting my positive new year’s resolutions on the verifiably most depressing of all apps wasn’t necessarily wise.
It’s 2018 and I ain’t got time to be your sex slave Micky Mouse, sorry ‘bout it. Have fun at Lab.!
Meanwhile, Juan, Casper and I started the “Stay Strong Group” (without Dating Apps). That’s gays taking action 2018-style, that’s more cocktails, face-to-face flirting and less screen time. Theoretically. Let’s see how long that lasts. I’ll keep you updated.
