As winter is slowly pulling its icy blanket off of Berlin and spring is upon us, people emerge from hibernation, ready to sow their wild oats. In the wake of weeks of hormonal frolicking I decided to equip you, my dear reader, with a guide on how to briefly enjoy the perks of human company without the backlash of commitment or post-coital crying.
1. Finding Them
Since the modern urbanite lacks any sense of how to interact with other humans, apps like Tinder, Grindr, Scissor (and if you are male, solvent and aesthetically challenged, Ohlala) are your friend. There is nothing better than staying in bed, unshowered and waiting for the pizza guy to finally ring your bell while you let pictures of yourself radiate an image of sexiness and poise onto strangers’ smartphones. On the Internet no one can see you cry into your (now salted) caramel ice cream while you listen to an audio book of Sylvia Plaths’ diary you bought in summer attempting to be comforted by how totally unrelated it is to your own shortcomings (spoiler: It isn’t).
2. Meeting Them
Having made pleasant text conversation with some sort of vague clone of your ex-partner that totally likes the same TV shows, you agree to meet. I recommend using a “decoy” bar, a place you kinda don’t mind going to, but are totally ready to never set foot in again, in case your date is more a Monet (best looked at from a distance) than a Caravaggio (dramatically beautiful from any angle). Choose convenience over style: You’re looking for a shag, there is no need to impress them with anything besides the vibrantly edited version of yourself that you squeezed into that green velvet dress that makes your boobs look amazing.
3. Seducing Them
Be prepared to just seduce yourself rather than letting them do it. If mutual attraction is not diminished by conversation or, better yet, furthered by drinking, it’s time to get down to business. First and foremost, don’t take them to yours – ever! Nothing ruins that post-coital glow like a crying Swedish girl that doesn’t want to leave, so you have to make up some excuse, get dressed to go to the gym (and then actually go there because she insists on escorting you).
4. Fucking Them
This is the only point I’m sure my readers do not need any advice on. Remember, it’s a one night stand. You go in, you get what you’re there for (orgasms) and leave. Your goal here: feeling less than or equally damaged once you roll off. Long-time expat tip: For added local flavour, use Einhorn condoms, any new Berliner just starting out in this city’s whirlwind of casual intimacy will think you are extra cool.
Either you tell them all your secrets or they tell you theirs. I’ve witnessed more confessions on hands and knees and oh god’s than most seasoned Catholic priests. What you should keep in mind is that a good therapist is hard to come by in Berlin, so do consider charging them if their emotional breakdown is boring. If you want minimal engagement, I advise you skip the cuddles. Never overstay your welcome: call a taxi and go home. Take a shower, call a friend and watch a movie.
Let’s face it, Berlin is essentially a village of 3.5 million people. A one-night stand yields a 50% chance of you never running into them again. The other 50% will be that one dude that accidentally left his glasses on your nightstand, who you run into at IKEA Tempelhof and every other queer disco night while ignoring him because you sold his glasses on ebay Kleinanzeigen.
The funny thing about ONS’s is that at some point you realize that casual sex with minimal engagement is like queuing for Mustafa’s Gemüse Kebap; It doesn’t live up to the hype and it’s something only tourists really go crazy over. As you live in Berlin longer, you realize that nothing beats figs and foie gras at Reinstoff (sex with someone you actually feel emotionally connected to). But, you know, a girl’s gotta eat.
Text: Alix Berber
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Alix Berber is iHeartBerlin’s newest dating columnist. The Tattletale Heart tells stories of desire, infatuation and the ghosts of lovers past. They are the dating-chronicles of a hopeless romantic with serious trust issues in the capital of the notoriously unattached.