illustrations: Sophia Halamoda

Show me what you eat and I’ll tell you who you are. Basked in a plethora of choice, Berlin inhabitants’ hardest seems to be where to eat. Trying to arrange Sunday brunch with a vegan, a meat lover and a person that claims to be allergic to almost anything between is more normal than everyone involved would like it to be. With a rough estimate of two hundred guides to hyped food spots being published (in Berlin alone) every day the proof must be in the pudding. So if you’re looking for your very own flavor of love, by all means, dig in:

The Vegan

Let’s assume his name is Cliff, you know, like those chunky bars. Cliff became vegan after seeing “Cowspiracy” on Netflix (“You really need to watch it! Like right now!”). Cliff is very aware and he wants you to be aware too – mostly of his veganism. The problem with Cliff is, he’s a bit preachy between bites of avocado Sourdough Toast. But if you’re into having his personal take on why everyone that isn’t vegan should die out mansplained to you, he might just be right for you. After all, he is what you’d call “farmers market hot”. It’s an earthy brand of hot that comes with making your own almond milk and explaining to a waiter at a French restaurant what exactly he does and doesn’t eat, paired with a man bun that makes him look a bit like a sexy onion.

  • Best spot to meet your potential Cliff: The Green Market

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The Burger Bro

He stacks more powder at home than your local coke dealer, and they come in so many different flavours that it almost seems like a balanced diet. His breakfast is bland egg white omelettes with a side of protein shake. His daily routine more rigorous than even any die hard functional training instructor would ever recommend. Steve doesn’t care. It’s about meat, making gains and meeting girls. If Steve is especially prone to low self-esteem he’ll probably also follow “pick up” guides. You know, the ones telling you that the way into any girls panties is best achieved by dragging her self-esteem down to the user’s level. Without a Nando’s in Berlin, Steve is mostly found in any burger joint, but especially those that feature a “Protein Style” option. Wait, no, never mind. He’ll just eat the burger without the bun, as long as it’s double beef.

  • Best spot to meet your Steve: Burgers and Hip Hop

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The Coffee Snob

If coffee was a cult, he’d be the leader in waiting. He sneers at any Späti having the insolence to offer coffee “to go” for a measly 0,80€. Ole didn’t run away from his small town nightmare somewhere in Sweden for this. He works as a “Third wave Barista” at some coffeeshop named after a farm appliance. Everyone that missed the first two waves isn’t worthy of his “art”. He initially wanted to study sculpture but soon realised that his /Sendungsbewusstsein/ would be wasted in designing brutalist concrete furniture. He now just works in a place that is furnished with it, slyly judging what the crowd is ordering. A flat white? With almond milk? You can’t be serious!

To escape this particular circle of hell, Ole fantasies of a world in which his taste in coffee reigns supreme, one where there is no “to go” option, one where no one is allowed to add any sort of milk to whatever he is brewing. Oh what a paradise that would be. Until then, Ole will keep serving the plebeians, the populace, the philistines… Win his heart by ordering the most basic yet dramatic brew and listen to his take on how to prepare it “the right way” (his way!).

  • Looking for your personal Ole?: The Barn might have one or two

Text: Alix Berber, Illustrations: Sophia Halamoda

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Alix Berber is iHeartBerlin’s dating columnist. The Tattletale Heart tells stories of desire, infatuation and the ghosts of lovers past. They are the dating-chronicles of a hopeless romantic with serious trust issues in the capital of the notoriously unattached.

You can follow Alix on Twitter and Facebook.

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by
on October 7th, 2016
in People