Would I Fuck my Friends?

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photos: An.Do

Why The Fuck Am I Single: Lesson #2

Location: Berlin. Display Name: FWB NSA, Some not understandable abbreviation (?). Edit Profile. About Me: Honestly, I am only online because I ate too much pasta and I am too lazy to get up and get a drink and I somehow gotta fill the meantime… (?). Relationship Status: Single.

“Still, single pringle and ready to mingle!” as my dear friend Juan would poetically say. Also, this is no desperate cry-out for immediate attention to my everlasting loneliness. It’s me, merely admitting a very, basic human need. And, it’s not like I’m generally craving for that ONE MAN attached to me all the time, especially not in my mid-twenties. We all enjoy our freedom, our meaningless sexual encounters, and quirky flirting, dating and nasty stories to tell. It’s maybe just that creepy voice in my subconscious screaming: “If you don’t find him now you’ll neveeeer” (fades away with dramatic echo). Anyways, all you actually need for that life phase is your GURLFRIENDS. I just need my boys, a night filled with worthwhile content like the importance of face masks, Jake Gyllenhaal’s well proportioned lower abs, funny stories about genital shapes and two bottles of rosé, and I AM HAPPY! Apparently, the three of us make each other so happy that the outside world perceives us as some symbiotic, interdependent gay organism. “So, Juan, Casper and you are pretty close, huh?” A friend recently asked. “Of course” I replied. He went on: “I always wonder how you gays do it. Being friends and fucking each other, I mean!” I paused. “Wait what?!”

It’s a Friday night in Berlin, 9pm and I’m on Casper’s sofa, staring at my phone. Why? Because we all three are doing it. Laughing about men, because men are… FUNNY! All phones aside, we talk Juan’s freshest, slightly irritating sexual encounters with dom tops, Casper’s date with a man he doesn’t even like and why I am totally off the opinion that I should start wearing skirts. It’s a Friday, it’s banal, it’s fabulous! Gay best friends are always an interesting twist on friendships, as you are of the same gender, interested in the same gender while also BEING that respective gender. So, intentionally or not, in every gay friendship there comes this moment when you catch yourself thinking of your best friend’s penis. There I said it, Boom. There are no men in this city that I’d rather spend time with then these two, we even know that it would ‘work’ between the sheets, and we do know that we find each other attractive. I mean, Juan is almost scarily picture-perfect and Casper recently got flatteringly compared to Justin Timberlake. Well, see, I had worse bed scenarios going on. So, why don’t we just DO IT?!

Casual thoughts you have – On a Friday Night – 9pm – Berlin Schöneberg

Let’s just blame Berlin! Let’s blame Berlin for the fact that I even pressure myself with these thoughts when I could just look a lil’ deeper into my rosé glass and chill. Let’s blame every weekend where I end up on a dance floor filled with half-naked gay besties who by the end of the night end up being all over, or inside, or somewhere in between one another. Let’s blame every time I log into Grindr, reading a message of two dudes who are just best friends with benefits keepin’ things real cas’ looking for an easy-going third. While they send me well-lit pictures of their anuses. It’s like every time, I feel in some way adventurous and reckless Berlin has a sassy comeback and hits me in the face with rubber fisting gloves. Creating that feeling of “Whatever you do babe, it ain’t enough!”

So, having ‘casual fun’ going on with my friends feels like the expected ‘no-strings-attached’ place to start from in Berlin!? Admittedly, all the convenient side effects to it: No one knows me better, no one’s closer and we’re spending so much time together ANYWAYS, so…  isn’t it like having a playstation, which you are fabulously good at playing with and then you like never use it. That would be weird, right? Just play with the playstation! Everyone would play with that playstation!… Ok,… wait, did I just compare the relationship to my friends to a playstation? …We’re hitting ‘real bonkers territory.

See where all this peer pressure get’s you! You start making your friends Japanese gaming consoles. Maybe that’s essentially why I want a prude, monogamous relationship because it’s just easier to grasp what that is than all these countless concepts of sexual fulfillment swirling around in this city. It comes down to one rather general rule of thumb: Know what you want and let all the others do whatever the hell they wanna do! Which is hard when their half-naked activities visually stimulate me every weekend. I imagine, me licking Casper’s … wuah… Juan, above me putting his … Hell to the no! Like we’re ever casually drinking rosé again after that! All I know and gotta know is, I don’t want anything even potentially complicating or ruining one of the best things I got going – just because I’m horned and lazy. I love them! But, I don’t need to see them cumming, thank you! Does that make me super prude?!… But, whatever.

I won’t fuck my friends. Lesson learned!

Juan snaps his fingers in front of my face and I awake from my penetrating thought nirvana. I am back with my boys, Friday night in Schöneberg, still dressed. Gladly, there’s that difference between being sexual and having sex…We’ll just stick to sexual. So, let’s cuddle and make out! And maybe start a pillow fight… hihi

photos: Stella Manouseli

Location: Berlin. Display Name: … Remember to pick a super funny and witty name later. Edit Profile. About Me: …Uhm… Well, twenty-something, decent height, well proportioned, I’d say, comparably smart. Looking for… Mr. Right …or Mr. Right now (?). Relationship Status: Single.

That’s probably what I typed into some dating app 5 years ago after moving to Berlin. Things changed, but that one thing hasn’t: Relationship status: Single! Single, Single, SINGLE! Let’s be honest here, I want a boyfriend, no denying that. We all want a professional cuddling partner. So, no shade! People have said I’m “damn cute”, “oh so hilarious”, “definite bf material” and I have spent a whole lot of time on living up to my own visual expectations. Time that I could have easily used on pizza, beer, and Sex and the City binge watching. Still, I can tell many bed stories, but no love story. So, seriously guys, why the fuck am I single? But, as the hopeless, self-ironic optimist that I am. I see every awkward date and disturbing sexual encounter as a funny, absurd life lesson to learn from, laugh about and carry on. And, as I am such a talkative person I will let y’all participate now, life lesson by life lesson. And maybe by the end of it all I will write ‘Lesson #378: How I got my boyfriend’ … but first things first:

Lesson #1: THE GRIND

It’s a Tuesday night in Berlin, 3am and I’m in my bed, staring at my phone. Why? I don’t quite know. I am in some tunnel vision looking at a never-ending grid of eggplants. peaches and arrow signs going up and down. I grind, I grind, looking, looking, looking for what? It’s not like I’m actually gonna get up now, nor do I really want some random dude in my bed. But still… My apathetic stare is interrupted by a new message popping up. ThunderstormXXL sends a “Hi”, impromptu followed by a picture of his Penis. Mmhm, what an elaborate effort ThunderstormXXL. Thanks but no thanks. CHOP.

Just another Tuesday night – 3am – Berlin Friedrichshain.

Grindr, for those of you who aren’t familiar, is a dating application for gay men. But, as men generally like to put their genitals into…well, it’s less dating more sex app. Did I know this five years ago when my quest for Mr. Right in the big city began? Nope. So, you can imagine the traineeship in big city, gay (sex) life was quite a rapid one. Not that I complain. Given my tendency to socially awkward behavior when it comes to flirting my sexual encounters would have been extremely limited. – If it wasn’t for this lil’ yellow application.

As with any gay men, I’d say, Grindr is equally my best friend and archenemy. ‘Cause honestly, we all like to do the nasty, so it’s great, fast, uncomplicated. “Hi”, “Hi”, “More Pics?”, “Wanna meet?” BOOM. Done. On the other hand, it’s a pretty disturbing freak show. My friend Casper does not manically delete and re-download the app every other week without reason. For him, as a mid-twenties gay who tends to struggle with his own insecurities and body image a grid full of hyper-masculine dudes showing off their perfectly trained bodies, looking for nothing more but fast sex, can be quite, well,… let’s say counterproductive. But then, EVERYONE is on it, so I gotta be too, right?!

Yet, there comes a time when you want something more. And, I came to realize that getting someone to go on a proper Date on Grindr is like making a Berliner say: “I really like Brandenburg.”. Also, it’s never quite Disney-romantic anyways when his half-naked profile already suggests what sexual activities could follow, in what position and length and potential fetish preferences. Easy, you say. Just go out or switch to more modest dating apps, try Gay Parchip or so… Problem is: The mere existence of a grid out there filled with potent, willing males results in a general gay fear of commitment (Me included). I mean, you don’t tell a kid in a candy store: “You could eat everything. But, could you be a dear and only pick one thing?”… yeah right.

It is so easy, accessible, convenient, while totally confusing and traumatizing. Damn, the thought of comfortably finding Mr. Right from my couch seemed so appealing. Ah well, poor me. Gotta get up then. He is out there, but most likely not waiting on Grindr. At least I won’t expect it no more.

Lesson learned.

It’s still cute, late at night when you want nothing more but someone to tell you “You’re hot!” while looking at his private parts on your phone. Most basic satisfaction of needs. It’s very easy: “Hi”, “Hi”, “More Pics!” And thank you!

Andy by Andy
on September 6th, 2017
updated on September 6th, 2017
in Stories
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