photos: Eylül Aslan
Berlin. As we’ve all noticed by now the city is not only a heartbreaker, psycho but still hopeful: Berlin is also a pool of fairy tales gone wrong. Cosmopolitan life often leaves you shattered to a reality that is far from anything romantic. Now you could argue, that this indeed is just life and life is happening anywhere. True, but in a fast pace city like Berlin that communicates in matches the mass of mishaps is too damn high. Which of course also leaves you with the best stories to tell. Whenever I encounter a dating disaster, for a short moment, I leave my body and watch myself from the upper right corner of the room, thinking: ‚fantastic story to tell your future grandchildren.‘
And then I have to laugh. Of course, if too many of these stories happen, there never will be grandchildren to tell them to. Sort of a catch-22. But who cares, this is life, this is the capital and these are some of the most entertaining dating fails. These are real stories of dysfunctional dating. One of them is mine, the other ones friends experienced. Somehow only men being the bad guys here. But of course we know it’s not only them. It’s all of us. If you recognize yourself in one of these: you have my full support. Read for yourself and hopefully laugh after the jump.
The Yoga Teacher
Well, we get it. Yoga teacher- male or female – are sexy. While you are trying to do the downwards dog as gracefully as possible you find yourself glimpsing at the incredibly trained teacher. Even better when targeted object glimpses back and invites you out to party. This is when the real magic is supposed to happen. You go out, have a few drinks and then find yourself in the apartment of Guru hotness. He leans in to kiss you, you start to make out, all your dreams come true and then the horror happens: he stops.
He says: ’I feel like meditating.’
‚Oookay…?!‘ you respond.
‚Yes. Can you please leave?‘ is probably the ultimate sentence you never wanted to hear.
When yoga teacher trade you in for a meditation, you couldn’t feel less in balance.
Meditate my ass, you better zen your way out of here.
The Secretive Fellow
Berlin is not the easiest city to find someone to commit. Well, committing is one thing. But what about even standing by your romance from last night? We’ve all done the walk of shame at some point but the walk of shame on your toes is a whole other level. How come? Your object of dating desire is not exactly what you thought it would be, but yeah, you kind of like him anyway. Even if he is hyper-juvenile, not paying for drinks of course and insulting you at the bar, thinking this is flirting. After the last joke on your behalf you decide to go home with him. Because, well, it seems to be the next logical step. And it puts an end to his banter, at least while both of you only engage in body language. The next morning when you wake up at his place you wouldn’t know just how much more calm it would get. No coffee, no talking, he urges you to leave the apartment silently in socks. Yes, in socks, because he wouldn’t want the room mate to know you were here.
‚Is it the room mate really? Or does he still live with his parents?‘ you find yourself asking, tiptoeing to the door.
At least, this would explain this guy’s juvenile behavior. And so you find yourself on the street with your shoes in one hand, no caffeine but anger running through your blood. No need to mention you’ll never see him again, no matter how many messages he’ll write. You remain quiet.
The Sociopath
Tinder is a bitch. And according to some sources, a play area for narcissists and sociopaths. Which makes sense, since swiping and matching leave you feeling majestic. You decide who’s hot and who’s not. And sociopaths often hide behind big smiles and even bigger words. But one day you find yourself at a turning point in your life and you swipe some guy that normally you wouldn’t even notice on the street.
‚Try something new!‘ you tell yourself. Match. Let the games begin.
He even writes poems, wow! So you write, you talk, you go out. Business as usual. You ignore the warning signs, keep believing in the good, since you gave this poetic underdog a chance. You’re casually dating/friends-with-benefiting/whatever it’s called for a whole month. Way longer than it should have been. The picture he painted starts to crumble. Your tinder-prince is self-absorbed and a little child. Basically majorly insensitive, even slightly racist at times, testing boundaries. But for some mysterious reason, you keep seeing him. Also because, well, it seems logical. A strange attraction to how far he will go. Don’t worry, you will find out.
‚I don’t desire you. Sometimes, clothes can hide a lot.‘ will be his sentence of choice to break up with you.
Basically saying you’re fugly. Let that sink in. Needless to mention, he wasn’t adonis of the world to even have the legitimation to utter such a statement. And even if he was. ‚No way! This only happens in kindergarten!‘ you think to yourself. Nope. This is reality, even if it’s a rare one. At least you laughed very hard. And it’s a good story. Not only for your future grandchildren, maybe. But for all of your friends.
