Dating in Berlin: Why You Shouldn’t Date German Men

artworkEugenia LoliCC

Since I started dating I’ve always gone international. There are only a few European countries I haven’t planted my metaphorical flag (yes, this is a dick joke about my metaphorically huge dick). There is only one country whose men (and only men) I try to avoid: Germany. “Why? What have German men ever done to deserve this?” I hear you say, my dear reader. Well, I’m glad you asked…

The fantasy of a German dude sweeping one off of one’s feet and carrying one past the Ausländerbehörde into a future of passion and excitement hasn’t ever had much traction. A friend of mine who has been in a long term relationship with a German man recently told me that if she wanted to have sex with him, she would write him an email informing him of her desire and the two would take it from there. (I wish I was making this up.) In light of this, I’m wholeheartedly convinced that it was a German man that came up with the word Geschlechtsverkehr – a word that takes the fun out of something that is supposed to be the height of ecstasy but has turned into something altogether more bureaucratic the moment a Thomas, Dieter or Malte gets involved. Have you ever tried to talk dirty with a German? It’s the least sexy experience imaginable, and I blame no one that abandons learning German after having suffered through it even once.

In my experience, a date with a German man is like going to an Amt: it’s draining and you feel like neither of you really wants to be there. You fill out the forms, bring all the paperwork, sit down until your number is up and finally, you get a Bescheinigung, and that’s only if you’re lucky. The idea of Netflix and chill has a German version which I call ARD Mediathek & Suffering. It’s free, supposedly fun, and fit in to the narrowly timed parameters (8pm-6am) of the German Jugendschutzgesetz. It’s putting the Ordnung back into the Geschlechtsverkehr. If romance is dead, it was a German man that killed it.

artworkEugenia LoliCC

From the offer of money for sex via Tinder to online dating messages consisting of cringe-worthy detailed descriptions of sexual acts, the perpetrators were always the same: German men. My personal favourite features generous tidbits like: “Heute morgen beim erwachen fand sich ein pulsierendes, ein kräftiges, ein forderndes Glied zwischen meinen Beinen” (“This morning I found a strong pulsating, demanding phallus between my legs”). I’m seldom speechless but how does one reply to such a message?

And I know I’m not alone. The Tumblr blog Straight White Boys Texting has a German equivalent called Straight White German Boys Texting. The submissions oscillate between gently cringey to projectile vomit-inducing. It seems the way German men express desire in writing is deeply flawed.

Of course, courting has always been difficult and a recently released map showing which emoji is used most in which country educates us further on this ancient struggle. That the see-no-evil monkey is preferred by Germans is something I blame entirely on German men trying to flirt. They know they’re doing the wrong thing, but German mentality dictates that if they don’t see it, it’s not there.

So dear reader, please trust me that if you ever receive an unsolicited dick pic, followed by an emoji of a monkey hiding its face, the sender is almost certainly a German man. I wish the Unicode developers had stuck with the traditional option of featuring a fourth monkey specifically for the German man: the do-no-evil-monkey covering his genitalia.

Text: Alix Berber, Illustrations: Eugenia Loli

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Alix Berber is iHeartBerlin’s newest dating columnist. The Tattletale Heart tells stories of desire, infatuation and the ghosts of lovers past. They are the dating-chronicles of a hopeless romantic with serious trust issues in the capital of the notoriously unattached.

You can follow Alix on Twitter and Facebook.

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by
on April 5th, 2016
updated on April 5th, 2016
in Stories
95 Comments »

95 Responses to “Dating in Berlin: Why You Shouldn’t Date German Men”

  1. Sloth Says:

    This article is about German people in general..both men and women..the most boring, rigid, unspontaneous, did I mention boring? Non humurous, dogmatic people on the planet…completely incapable of functioning once a familiar situation becomes unfamiliar…unable to adapt to change or have fun…too worried about looking foolish or silly..cant even join in a sing along or karaoke….

  2. fck u Says:

    This is plain racist and ignorant. THIS ARTICLE IS PLAIN RACIST and ridiculous. What if the title said the same thing about arab or black men? oh that would be a NO NO wouldnt it? Who are you hiring to write your columns? The writer doesn’t even show his face on his FB page nor here.

    This, ladies and gents, is supposed to be ‘alternative’ press. You see? the problem is that now any hipster with a laptop can fancy himself a writer.

    A non german man.

  3. AHAHA Says:

    Dear Lord what a nasty way to troll German muppets, “Germany must perish” style, but guys, could not really see you are being trolled royally by a clickbait worthless article… the only missing in the title is “11 reasons why”… oh boy it works every time

  4. Uberman Says:

    Heartbroken mein Schatz?

  5. Soso Says:

    Honestly this is the most superficial article ever. However everyone is free to have its own opinion and in the end it just gives the feeling that the dating life of the writer is not that thrilling in general. There are always two people attending a date…

  6. Freida Says:

    I must correct you there ….when your with a German man there is only one person on that date HIM …..

  7. Freida Says:

    German men love porn sites and hand jobs … Sorry to be blunt …. The best sex they have is with themselves .!!!

  8. Nadine Says:

    Wow! have you ever thought about the possibility, that it is you, that makes the date that bad? I don’t understand why you are even in germany, if you think the germans, especially the guys are that unbearable! @iheartberlin: what is it with all the german-bashing you are doing here on this site? I don’t get the point! Too superficial and overrated, for my taste.

  9. Sebastian Says:

    ain’t that a racist and sexist article.

    just wow.

    usually i just ignore these international wannabe “journalists” that have been living in berlin (aka germany, not that the distinction matters in their view) for a summer or two and somehow claim to have understood the essence of german culture.

    and no, my criticism doesn’t imply that my “german” “manhood” is being attacked and that’s why i’m writing this, yet i have rarely read anything that is even remotely as childish, intolerant and – putting it simply – dumb as this piece of berlin-hipster-blog-blabla.

    if you’re trying to be funny and witty, please try again or stop trying all together.

    and since nationality seems such a big concern to you when you’re effing around, has it occurred to you, that “dating” is not a one way street?

    that reproducing sexist and nationalistic clichés in a context of being “cool” and “fun” and acquiring clicks is – morally speaking – on the level of macho-men and their neanderthal-attitudes which you surely detest?

    this piece is quite simply embarrassing – i won’t go down the road to tell you to “go (back)” where ever you will find the type of men you seem to crave so deeply because the implication of being a german in berlin who’s against foreigners would be all too easy to draw.

    quite frankly articles like this disgust me. there’s a fine line between irony/sarcasm/humor and blunt racism/sexism/intolerance. and frankly, you don’t seem to be the type of person who knows where this line is respectively even know that it exists.

    enough venting for today – that’s what this “article” was for all along, provoking a reaction of “german men”, am I correct?!? … so here, i threw you an argumentative bone. do yourself a favor and chew on it…

  10. Carla Says:

    Don’t date german men online.. they are weird, bizarre and now I think they are racist. It’s like german women didn’t want them so they are left with subracial women to search on online. At the beginning it will be great but as time passes and you investigate them, complain about no phone calls during the weekend or looking at their pages.. they will run from you. They will reduce communication but they can investigate you. They are big players.. talking to you and 2 others.. this happened to me and he was fat.. nobody is good enough for him.. doesn’t need to be from Berlin.. mine was from Bonn.. german men deserve to be single for life by the level of immaturity, shallow, and lies.. f”” them big time.. an Year of my life waisted

  11. rudy schenker Says:

    This sounds very much the same as dating a german woman.

  12. rudy schenker Says:

    …I mean, since we are being sexist.

  13. kelly Says:

    I’ve been speaking with a german guy, we spoke not too often, sometimes 3 times by week, in the beginning we spoke almost everyday. He is so sweet and considerate but after, I just proved that he is a big lie. He told many things that he did not do. Broken promises and finally just talk

  14. lol Says:

    Sorry, but that is just a very one-sided generalization, nothing more.
    If this was written as a kind of comedy article, alright. As a German I can laugh about that.
    But this rather strikes me as that you are meaning what you’re writing.
    While I also am happy, that I am together with a wonderful lovable japanese woman who isn’t as noisy and complaining like a lot of german women are, that also is just my personal experience. Experiences that I made over the course of 30 years in Germany, but still.
    You however have dated how many men in Germany? In what time frame? Outside of Tinder?
    If you’re dating someone who works at the Finanzamt or a place like that, well, you just don’t do that. Of course these guys are terrible.
    Germans aren’t that different than people from other european countries.
    So if you have developed your basic senses towards human interaction, you should be able to judge if someone is a fit for you without blaming race on it. 😉

  15. sandra ramirez Says:

    They’re the fucking worst

  16. Aina Says:

    BOOM – I love this article! Had to send it to my scandinavian friend who for some reason that is totally unclear to only dates German boys. German boys are indeed very cute. They are predictablevery unplayful and clumsily romantic, so the smart ones don’t even try to be romantic (big plus btw, I am scared of red roses and candles). To defend the author against all these upset commenters – can anyone deny these unfalsifiable facts about German boys? If you think now “hell yes”, I am pretty sure you want to add characteristics instead of denying. It’s the absolute truth. Google tinder statistics, I bet you find valid proof in those dark cornners of internet!

    PS: does anyone know a good pick-up line including the term “Geschlechtsverkehr” that guarantees quick success in the Biergarten? I namely heard Germany produces the best marriage material and tinder is apparently not eligible for those matters.

  17. Delf Says:

    Dear iheartberlin-Team: Imagine the same article with “black man” instead of “german man”. You should think about removing this insulting, racist, stupid article from your platform.

    Dear author: If you want a romantic relationship, you really should not use tinder…omfg this really is no rocket science…

  18. johanna Says:

    I once dateducation a german guy, but so much true about them, but he was soo cool, I would love to date one.

  19. Megan Says:

    I am Brazilian and I’ve been with my German boyfriend almost 3 years and we’re still hot together! He’s 12 years older and grew up in köln. He’s romantic, passionate, empathetic, and great with money too. He is the best person I ever met. He always cook and clean without me having to ask him, supports me in my goals in life. I have the best boyfriend I could have. I love Germans and Germany.

  20. marioa Says:

    D you still love your ex and you need a spell to get him/her back, kindly contact dr ozama via this link https://www.facebook.com/ozama.adodo.1 for he can help you too.

  21. Ruth Says:

    Hi all,

    I have lived in Germany for more than two years but till now could not find a BF. I am well educated and looking for an educated and generous German man. Pls tell me how can I find?? I am totally lonely here. So, I don’t like online dating or related websites.

  22. Anna Says:

    German guys are terrible when itcomes to dating. They have stereotypical ideas of women, liw self estwem and are absolutely decadent. Fir them you are never good enouigh. You can look beautiful, cook for them, be friendly and be understanding. If you do not fit into a stereotype which is idealized in misogynic internet subcultures, you have no chsnce. Also, they are full of hate towards towards women which is baded on misogynic dating coaching sites they find in the internet. They have problems, treating women as equal partner.

  23. Holger Says:

    This article is redundant. “Aurelie” by Wir sind Helden is the ultimate go-to-guide for French heterosexual cis women despairing over the mating rituals of German males, and I presume some further semi-humorous generalisations could be extracted from its lyrics for any other given nationality and/or orientation.

    Throb.

  24. Jasmine Says:

    I’m dating a very romantic German guy!! 🙂 He is the best sex of my life, so sensitive and kind, super driven and motivated, so stylish, very attractive and a bit over stressed sometimes but who isn’t.
    I guess these stereotypes are quite true. The bogan German guys are so boring and I don’t have many German male or female friends as they’re pretty boring and not really relaxed enough for me. All the same, massive generalisations and there is hope! 🙂

  25. Holger Says:

    This text clearly shows what americans and british think about germans, especially men. They live here in Berlin, but they humilate the locals every day. They have no respect. They impose English as the oficial language in order to dominate us. For more than hundred years they wanted Germany to perish. I was born in Berlin and have been living here for all my life, except for the years I lived in Spain and Asia. But with all this open hatred against germans, I decided to leave Berlin. I cannot stand it any more living here…

  26. Maria Says:

    It is really disgusting how germans are treated by british and americans. I have observed it several times: especially german men are hated by these so called expats. My understanding is that this text is clearly violating german laws. I agree with Holger that the text is an example of what anglo-americans really think about us german. They are not friend or partners, they are our worst enemies. They want us to perish and they openly hate us. Germans wake up, stand up against it!!! I have worked for an amercian company here in Germany where the german employees have not only been constantly discriminated, they have been been beaten right to the face… This text is a stroke in face for every german men!

  27. Samira Says:

    I have dated with German man. But unfortunately we lived in different countries so could see each other just twice a year. I cant even call it dating. But he was very reliable and lovely person. I even thought that we will marry but he always refused to talk about marriage. I am also was not so interested in marriage but it was the only way to be together. I loved him very much. But in our last meeting I was very nervous and stressfull mostly days as I had problems at work before it. When I returned to my home country we wrote each other again but he informed that as I was very stressful and nervous he lost to me interest :((( . It was big shock for me. I think that he never loved me and he never wanted to marry me. I was for him just a woman from Oriental world. What do you think ??? Would like to hear opinions of German men. Thanks in advance.

  28. german normalo Says:

    German guys found their partner at the age of 30. You only meet the garbage left.
    Tinder, seriously?
    But nice to read, you gained a lot of clicks for the german-english translation website.

    see-no-evilmonkey.gif

  29. German boy Says:

    So wo kan I send mein Dickpic?

  30. soso Says:

    The best way not to date german man is: Being somewhere else.
    Good trip home!

  31. Andy Says:

    This is so spot on! Thank you. It also applies to German women. How is this country even populated?

  32. David Says:

    wow, very nice & very racist – Can´t believe you publish such a trash here. shame on you! racist !

  33. Frank Frank Says:

    Germans are not really a different race so this is hardly racist. But yeah, let’s call out racism for the fun of it.

  34. deedee1818 Says:

    I stumbled unto this article by chance and after reading all these comments etc, I am not going to lie, i was very afraid. I have this German friend that i met, it is nothing heavy just talk and coffee and nothing heavy. I must say that he is a very respectful man and has not made wrong move on me, which is like but he is very structured and serious. This guy by no means have been cheap as many of the ladies here complained about, and has always taken the tab for everything on dates, despite me willing to pay my share. Although i would say that is uncomfortable when i flirt and sometimes does not get my jokes, but i seriously don’t make a big deal over it, it is who he is as long as he is respectful to me. The only thing that puzzles me is that he says i am to overwhelming, which i have been getting the opposite from American men who find me boring because I am not much of a passionate person. I find it cute that he gets red when i hug him. It is a breath of fresh air being around a man i can be myself and not have to act fake to impress or would not find me boring because i am not into the talk about sex on the first date or any of the dates. We go around walking going to end and enjoy conversation and he can sit hours talking a bout work etc which i find fun and he can listen to me talking for hours about my soap making business, he finds it fascinating. I do not know where this would end up, but whether it blossoms into a relationship or not, at least, i at least got to know a nice person who is respectful and would be happy either way if it just stays in friendship or not. FYI, the man works seven days a week and i find this very attractive in a man. I personally do like my space and do not like men who want to be in my face like a needy child all the time. idk, Give me a cold German any day over a love sick, fire crotch man who wants to be all over me being that i can get irritated and tired of people very quickly when they are around to long.

  35. IloveGermanMen Says:

    What an idiotic article. I think you´re one of these awful intellectually challenged women and/or you belong to a certain minority who hate Germans in general. And I have to say – thank god you don´t like German men since I would feel awfully sorry for every decent German man who would fall for such a mean retarded woman. Stick to the men from the country you come from and if you really despise German men so much this isn´t the country for you muppet. I´d suggest you fuck off and live in another country.

  36. German woman Says:

    German men don’t know how to flirt. They will take you to a bar, talk about boring stuff like groceries, will NOT smile at you for the whole evening, but – expect sex afterwards. Happened every time until I stopped dating German men.
    The best thing is when they demand that women make the first step ‘because that’s what you do in an egalitarian society – in Scandinavia they do it all the time!!’. Well, Hans, Scandinavian men are usually extremely good-locking, AND very friendly. Sadly, you are neither.

  37. Sabrina Says:

    I never got a chance to date a German Guy while Im in Germany but during my single months I used to date mostly a German Guys they are so many in current country I’m living in lol . Yeah maybe you’ll meet those guys from tinder sending dick pic, making some booty calls but its not just Germans from other countries as well .most of the German guys I’ve met before are generaly polite and down to earth.
    I thought Im the only one noticed til i had a convo with my friend and she said the same thing she can compare a lot as she is more experienced with other Nationalities.You’ll have a good conversation with them about business , education and politics .Theyre smart and logical . So when I become single again (just Kidding) I will still go for Germans 😂

  38. pinku Says:

    After I read about German men !!! I was blown away..
    Coming from a country, where women are catcalled and not treated equally nor with respect.
    I would love to live with one and share my life with one.
    Like other commenter had said..we don’t want a man who is after us like a needy child, we would happy with subtle cues.
    Intentions are more deeper than external indications. Loyalty, oneness, soul touch is more wanted than superficial praise/appreciation/flirting and then fooling around with someone else the next evening.

    We want more real and practical men, while faking, flirting and obvious, loud romanticism is for movies and stays good there.

    Oh German men –Don’t change yourselves, you are already great !!! Your lady luck will come for you running that too bare footed!!!

  39. Pete Says:

    Haha, I am so sorry for you frustrating experience… Not all Germans are like that though.. I actually dont know what to say.. are you serious about ur article..? 0_o Good luck anyway..

  40. Melissa Says:

    There is much truth to this. Living in Germany for many years (both in a relationship and dating), I can say that the shy passivity of German men is a big turn-off. They are often to afraid to make the first move and often you won’t be able to read the signals which seem to be universal when flirting with the opposite sex. But not here. Then the stiff awkwardness and having a different sense of humor…all of these make it difficult to date and have fun with German men.

  41. Katie Says:

    Maybe you’re the problem, my boyfriend is German and he is a blast. Maybe I got lucky I don’t know but he is endless fun, and so seeet. It’s sad to see you generalize an entire country of people because you are probably a prude and a bore.

  42. I Says:

    I’ve first read this article shortly after it was published, almost 2 years ago. at that point I was newly-single in Berlin and looking forward to all the fun. now, after having spent 2 years on the dating scene here, I sadly have to agree: I give up. I never have and probably never will have sex with a German. the dates with German men (as opposed to other expats I’ve met) feel like sitting at a job interview with a set of obligatory questions to be answered, where the guy takes himself so seriously you secretly want to slap him in the face or shake him by the shoulders. there’s no fun, no joy, no happiness in any of it – and I even speak pretty decent German! I’ve kept an open mind for a long time, blaming it all on bad luck and trying again and again, but sadly, Alix, you were right all along… oh so right.

  43. m Says:

    what a piece of plain racist, femi-nazi article…..

  44. Frank Frank Says:

    what race is this against specifically?

  45. Stella Says:

    This is spot on. I’m currently chatting to a german guy. He is so so bat at flirting it actually makes me cringe. Whenever he mentions sex related topic he always uses the see no evil monkey covering its eyes! He is 52 for crying it out loud! I can imagine sex with him “ Schatzi, sex tonight will begin at 21:00 sharp wether you’re here or not!”

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