Dating in Berlin: Why You Shouldn’t Date German Men

Every Act of Creation is First an Act of Destruction

artworkEugenia LoliCC

Since I started dating I’ve always gone international. There are only a few European countries I haven’t planted my metaphorical flag (yes, this is a dick joke about my metaphorically huge dick). There is only one country whose men (and only men) I try to avoid: Germany. “Why? What have German men ever done to deserve this?” I hear you say, my dear reader. Well, I’m glad you asked…

The fantasy of a German dude sweeping one off of one’s feet and carrying one past the Ausländerbehörde into a future of passion and excitement hasn’t ever had much traction. A friend of mine who has been in a long term relationship with a German man recently told me that if she wanted to have sex with him, she would write him an email informing him of her desire and the two would take it from there. (I wish I was making this up.) In light of this, I’m wholeheartedly convinced that it was a German man that came up with the word Geschlechtsverkehr – a word that takes the fun out of something that is supposed to be the height of ecstasy but has turned into something altogether more bureaucratic the moment a Thomas, Dieter or Malte gets involved. Have you ever tried to talk dirty with a German? It’s the least sexy experience imaginable, and I blame no one that abandons learning German after having suffered through it even once.

In my experience, a date with a German man is like going to an Amt: it’s draining and you feel like neither of you really wants to be there. You fill out the forms, bring all the paperwork, sit down until your number is up and finally, you get a Bescheinigung, and that’s only if you’re lucky. The idea of Netflix and chill has a German version which I call ARD Mediathek & Suffering. It’s free, supposedly fun, and fit in to the narrowly timed parameters (8pm-6am) of the German Jugendschutzgesetz. It’s putting the Ordnung back into the Geschlechtsverkehr. If romance is dead, it was a German man that killed it.

artworkEugenia LoliCC

From the offer of money for sex via Tinder to online dating messages consisting of cringe-worthy detailed descriptions of sexual acts, the perpetrators were always the same: German men. My personal favourite features generous tidbits like: “Heute morgen beim erwachen fand sich ein pulsierendes, ein kräftiges, ein forderndes Glied zwischen meinen Beinen” (“This morning I found a strong pulsating, demanding phallus between my legs”). I’m seldom speechless but how does one reply to such a message?

And I know I’m not alone. The Tumblr blog Straight White Boys Texting has a German equivalent called Straight White German Boys Texting. The submissions oscillate between gently cringey to projectile vomit-inducing. It seems the way German men express desire in writing is deeply flawed.

Of course, courting has always been difficult and a recently released map showing which emoji is used most in which country educates us further on this ancient struggle. That the see-no-evil monkey is preferred by Germans is something I blame entirely on German men trying to flirt. They know they’re doing the wrong thing, but German mentality dictates that if they don’t see it, it’s not there.

So dear reader, please trust me that if you ever receive an unsolicited dick pic, followed by an emoji of a monkey hiding its face, the sender is almost certainly a German man. I wish the Unicode developers had stuck with the traditional option of featuring a fourth monkey specifically for the German man: the do-no-evil-monkey covering his genitalia.

Text: Alix Berber, Illustrations: Eugenia Loli

* * *

Alix Berber is iHeartBerlin’s newest dating columnist. The Tattletale Heart tells stories of desire, infatuation and the ghosts of lovers past. They are the dating-chronicles of a hopeless romantic with serious trust issues in the capital of the notoriously unattached.

You can follow Alix on Twitter and Facebook.


by Guest Author
on April 5th, 2016
updated on April 5th, 2016
in Stories

63 Responses to “Dating in Berlin: Why You Shouldn’t Date German Men”

  1. Some German Says:

    What? i can’t believe you published this!

  2. Outrolado Says:

    I think you are being a bit too harsh on the poor German guys! I’m not one of them so I don’t have skin in the game but still… On the other hand, I have to say my experience with German women is a lot similar to what you wrote :D

  3. Frank Frank Says:

    I can totally relate to this. I am a German man, too. I know very well about our own shortcomings. Of course not all German men are the same. But regardless I tend to prefer dating foreigners too. Dating another German guy is for me like trying to make a meal out of two dry slices of bread ;(

  4. Emma Says:

    This is not true! There are absolutely very romantic german man and although yes, practicality is a huge priority for germans but they can definitely be the sweetest and dead romantics! Have you ever dated a real Berliner? I guess not. I find this article really one of those german-bashing, which happens alot here but shouldn’t be acceptable as no one bashes any other nationality, if so there would be huge uproar.

  5. Jasmina Says:

    I’ve personally dated german guys, and other nationalities and I find germans one of the most sincere and honest lovers.

  6. Rhineland Palati-mate :-) Says:

    it sounds like a distrustful german monkey would be your worst nightmare (>_<)

  7. Jules Says:

    I feel like Tinder is the worst place to conduct any statistics on the quality of German men (or anyone, really). That’s like writing a column about how bad German food is because you usually eat at rusty gas stations along the highway. That’s like me saying I would never ever date American men or women because I watched all “American Pie”-movies (I didn’t, that’s just for comparison). Oh, and Alix – for god’s sake, if you want to meet a real partner, get off of Tinder! Like, who is on Tinder to find love? That’s insane.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    I couldn’t read this whole article… My personal experience backs the last two comments but what is with the blanket stereotypes? Plus what makes a good boyfriend/partner/lover/whatever else is so subjective.

  9. Chris Says:

    I totally agree with Jules and the last comment! Come on, just get off Tinder and meet real persons and all the stereotypes will be blown away because you get to know amazing persons, doesnt matter what Nationality!

  10. AmiGay Says:

    German guys are hot, but as we used to say “All the parts, no instructions” – somehow, it’s never easy…

  11. Carolyn Says:

    I will highly dispute your article. I’ve been in a relationship with a true German man, from Berlin. He’s the sweetest, kindest man you could ever meet. He’s loving, generous, and can be quite funny. Based on your article, I’ll say I’m the lucky one as he is nothing like the Germans you’ve described and I’ve had 3 1/2 years of
    of amazing fun with him and I love him bunches!!

  12. B Says:

    I actually agree. My friend who has lived here and dated different german men for 5 years said the same thing. I have similar experiences with german women.

  13. s Says:

    Well constructed and entertaining article. You are great writer, but are you a great lover.
    Have you ever wondered why you’ve never met a passionate German men?

  14. schweineloeffel Says:

    I’ve been with my German husband for 7 years and we’re still hot together! He’s 12 years older and grew up in east Berlin, escaping 2 months before the wall fell when he was almost 19. He’s romantic, passionate, empathetic, and great with money too. He always helps cook and clean without me having to ask him, remembers all the anniversaries and holidays that I keep forgetting. I have the best husband I could have. I love Germans and Germany.

  15. German Guy Says:

    Disgusting german-bashing. These articles are the reason why british and american expats are more or more hated by germans (most would not say that bluntly) . I’m a german men who is fluent in five languages and I have dated and had hot sex with very attractive women from Brazil, Ecuador, Ehtiopia, Thailand, Iran, Peru and Angola. They all said how romantic and sensual I am. Alix, forget it. No german men likes anglo-american women, shure. I’m sorry to say.

  16. Amanda Says:

    I’m very sad about to see how almost every day germans are being offended and demeaned by expats, mainly from the US and the UK, living in Berlin, not understanding any german. My experience with german guys is quite different. In the first month after coming from Brazil to Berlin I met a very romantic, passionate and well-educated german men who speaks an excellent English. He also has learned portuguese and is quite different from the guys described in the blog. Shocking to read “There is only one country whose men (and only men) I try to avoid: Germany.” My sense is that is dispargement. Very evil…

  17. Skye Says:

    Lol! This article is absolutely fantastic – it had me in fits of hysterics! “(“This morning I found a strong pulsating, demanding phallus between my legs”)” – utter comedic, tongue-in-cheek genius, hahaha!

    The comments section so far honestly just reinforces the view that Germans are incapable of laughing at themselves – lighten up, will you, the article is unbelievably funny! I’d been thinking about popping along to try some of that famous German sausage (the eatable kind) and was curious to know what the men are like, stumbled upon this article and bam – an early morning treat that had me in giggles. :D

    German Guy, to be fair, we British women aren’t exactly falling over German men – and now we all know why! ;)

  18. Adolf Says:

    you mix Up your Racism with your fucked Up Dates… How old are you 16???

  19. Mikela Says:

    But passionate they are…Although can’t say that about their sincerity. :)

  20. Ola Says:

    I am not agree. Everything is up to woman ;)

  21. Gin Says:

    Oh Skye, really? “Germans are incapable of laughing at themselves”? Saying that gives you leeway to say anything and no-one being able to reply – otherwise automatically being labelled a spoil-sport. With your comments you are just further reinforcing the normality and accepted practice of German bashing. As pointed out in other comments, Germany is the only country that people are allowed to bash without repercussion.
    English-speaking expats living in Berlin and perpetuating this practice is just the height of ignorance to me.

    I can not agree with the article at all and am disappointed that you would publish such an offensive and not even cleverly funny article on a pro-Berlin website. I would have expected more from you. At least follow it up with how British men and women are not datable at all? That would be fair at least.

    And to the writer: I really hope you don’t live in Berlin anymore. Because if you are and you really think in such broad brush strokes and stereotypes you are not anyone who adds anything to the community. Why move to a new country, in this case Germany, if you don’t want to integrate and actually be part of the community? It’s people like you giving British and American expats a bad rep.

    Also love the illogical nature of your article of how you started with how you don’t date German men, so clearly, you can’t speak from any experience.

  22. Mike Says:

    complete bullshit in any word…

  23. Lena Says:

    Loooooved the article!!! Most of it is actually true. How I know? Well, I am German.
    Not too brag, but I have rounded up about sixteen nationalities during my adult single years, and I find most of the article’s content to be accurate.
    Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule, don’t wanna generalize.

    Other than that, pleeeeeeaaaase, people who used the term “German bashing”, inform yourself about irony in general and sarcasm in particular and – lighten the fuck up!!!

  24. Yo Says:

    As a Spanish girl I must say…i dated e German guys…on tinder and was the worst sex of my life. They talk to much about how much passionate they areally. They cum fast…they cant satisfy you; anti oral sex ^^…and after they act like made you a favour.really awful behivor.



    seperate the people …. put them in drawers

    ….sounds like you read a book called “how to write STUFF people would engage for maximum KLICKS/PROFITS

    yeah my english sucks … so what … i think your brain has an error correction…

  26. Anon Says:

    Correction: this is not dating German men. This is dating (bzw Fickvereinbarungen) on Tinder.

    German men are fantastic, loyal, reliable, and keep a clean toilet.

    Check yourself, girl. Overzealous generalizing may have been what left you loveless in a city full of love.

  27. Berliner Says:

    An entertaining article… indeed. Profound, sophisticated or significant – rather not. However, this was not the goal of this article in the first place, instead it was written for one purpose only: Being provocative – and it surely reached that!

  28. Me Says:

    Well, I’m a German man in a relationship with another German man and we suffer none of the things mentioned in the article.

    Having said that I remember being frustrated by the German style of flirting when I was single. But hey, we’re just more subtle and it takes a bit longer to win us over. So the writer may just have to work on her patience.

  29. Mikew Says:

    Poor poor racist view..

    Interesting how some, yes often English speakers, behave in their host country. And the obvious question should be : ” What the hell are you doing here then..?”

    Far from any irony, or other stylistic devices.

    Sounds more like frustrated girl looking for a skape goat…

    Good look with your karma.

  30. Emilia Says:

    I see two somewhat conflicting criticisms in your article. First, you’re making German men out to have an overly formal and bureaucratic approach to sex and dating, and then you’re describing German men to send inappropriate sexual pictures and messages. Although both could be symptoms of a national unhealthy attitude to sex, they represent fundamentally different approaches to it, and you seem to be complaining about both. So then what does constitute a healthy approach to sex and dating then, in your book?
    Personally, as a German woman, I rather like the matter-of-fact, somewhat bureaucratic approach to sex and dating. You don’t have to, you can have whatever preferences you like. But I prefer when a man asks whether he may kiss me before doing so. The alternative of simply assuming I want to may be considered ‘more romantic’, but comes at the risk of having read the signs wrong and kissing someone who doesnt want to be kissed. You may find the German approach overly formal and lacking in romance, I personally find it more respectful of both parties’ wishes and feelings, and I value respect more than romance. But again, to each their own.

  31. Tirighetta Says:

    I love your humour!! Between me and my girlfriends, in a few years of dating in germany german guys we have collected an insane amount of crazy stories, we could almost write a book!! Once I told one of the german guys I was dating that I felt like I was asking for an appointment at the dentist… He did not like my joke :)
    After him, I quit with germans :)

  32. Annita Says:

    While I have met (in a biblical sense) my share of German men who are not like the above, I remember those types from my albeit brief stint in online dating. Teutonic pragmatism and subtle flirting do not seem to go together. Ranging from cold, mechanic descriptions to blatant vulgarities followed by too many “cheeky” emojis (wink, tongue and yes, monkey), I think German men (and possibly women) just need a bit of help in the fine subtleties of digital conversation …

  33. Jake Says:

    To return the favor: Had a few dates with american and british women and I have to say that it was quite boring. Condoms with rings on them counted as “kinky” :D But I would not generalize, there are certainly british women who are great in bed, just maybe not the ones living here in Berlin.

    If you want to meet the fun-oriented germans just head out to KitKat on Saturdays…

  34. bk Says:

    Does it get any more racist thant this?

  35. Naz Says:

    I don’t share same opinion, my experience I found out they are a bit reserve but as passionate as any other guys…. They just need a bit time to open up and be themselves.

  36. Dave Says:

    What I was trying to figure out first of all is whether you, dear tattletale columnist, are German or not. For a German, like myself, there are a few ways of taking this article, but since we Germans are quite robotic I go with the most neutral approach similar to what we see in the four sides model from Schulz von Thun knows as “factual information”.
    Most of my friends are robots in every respect. Am I? I guess to a certain extend. However, I always felt a bit like a misfit in an uptight-”take a ticket” and wait in the queue-3 dates to only get missionary-society. This is why I decided to move to another country as soon as I had the chance. Now, in terms of dating I will confess that I have only ever dated non-German ladies. As a matter of fact my taste in women is rather exotic and all of these women revealed that I was a very satisfying and passionate lover…given the fact that I am German and that. Before you ask no I am not a wanna be 50 shades of grey imposter, but maybe I am the real life example of a biomechanical tattoo? A robot with some veins and a heart.

    Next up you should write an article (or get someone else to write an article) about German women, because if you think German men are lame you’ll have another thing coming. I’ll be back… :-)

  37. Lisa Says:

    It’s sarcasm? Also, there is no racism against white Germans as you all know. Lighten up! Personally also don’t date German guys, but glad there are different preferences. More Germans for you German-lovers out there!

  38. Adi Says:

    I’m coming from eastern Europe, I am educated, have a good job, I have never been sleazy. All German men I dated had an indecisive approach towards me until I told them where I’m coming from. And they wanted to know this asap. Immediately after, their attitude became gross. I was surrounded by educated people all my life, and normal people treat me with respect. There must be something wrong with these men, if they can treat decent women as they’re whores. I have been called names for refusing to comply with their idea that it’s an honor to be their woman on the side (honor the master?). To me, it looks like they learned nothing from their history. They love taking advantage of those who, like me, still believe there is good in people.

  39. Vera Says:

    Yes! Yes!!!

  40. Peter Says:

    I have wasted 5 minutes of this beautiful sunny morning on this…

  41. Adelaide Says:

    OMG! This article is right on the money! After reading the article and commentary, this American decided to throw her hat into the ring. Alix, you are preaching gospel to me. I’ve dated Europeans, however this past summer I had a few dates with a Berliner. All true. He was cold (prided himself on being a robot), EXTREMELY awkward in conversation (it felt like a disposition at court) and when I gave him a hug he started trembling (really shaking like a leaf) and ran away leaving me in the street (!!!). Romance? That consisted of Sir Mixalot and other fine rap tunes expressing his desire to copulate which I ignored (this was the first date).

    Alix, ignore the haters and keep fighting the good fight. I wish I read this before agreeing to be setup on a date with this guy. Such a headache.

  42. Amalah Says:

    You hit the nail on the head. German men might be attractive on the outside, but their standoffish and cold demeanor can go kick fucking rocks. They are socially awkward and do not know how to approach or speak with women. They have no charms or personality compared to other Europeans.

    I’ve been in Berlin for four months and didn’t get one guy to talk to or ask me out for the first month, despite going to bars and clubs. You know why guys don’t approach women here? All of these socially inapt fuckers are on Tinder, which has single handily ruined dating in GENERAL. I met the most fucked up Germans on that app, a few I slept with, and they showed me their ass the next day.Lets not forget, they are CHEAP.

    I come from North America and believe if a guy asks you out, he should pay for the FIRST DATE ATLEAST. I remember going to get drinks with a guy ( mind you this is Berlin, booze is cheap) and I ordered a 2.50 EUR glass of wine and he didn’t even OFFER to pay. I was turned off because this guy was a lawyer and bragged about how much money he made. I left after 30 mins and told him straight up I didn’t like him. How’s that for German bluntness?!

    Don’t get me STARTED on how these German guys on online dating are obsessed with me because I’m black. They have some black girl fetish they want to fulfil through me. No thanks!

    Good luck to the rest of you ladies in Berlin, I will be going back home, keep your head up girls, you worth much more than a basic ass German.

  43. dontlikegermanguys Says:

    totally RIGHT!

  44. Freida Says:

    Yep German men have no passion ….and are hopeless lovers ! When you live with one as I do and do all for him as I do then your just taken for granted …. Your mum…..simply no sex and no bed passion ….it’s sad but true ….. They can flirt super but trust them is another thing …..sorry but I talk from experience

  45. Non-german girl Says:

    I dated a German man for 5 months, we had sex after a few dates and it dick did not work… I never tried to initiate sex again. I felt like he needs the time to be ready. We made out again after 5months. I told him I don;t want to have sex to save him from embarrassment but turns out he did not get a hard on again. The next day he asked me to leave the house and never wrote back to me.

    I regret being kind to him. He used to Masturbate so much that he lost the ability to do it with a real girl.

    I’m filled with anger right now.

  46. MV Says:

    First of all I wanna say I like German guys hehehe. It’s well-known that German guys got this awful reputation, but from my experience i have to say it’s just the opposite. He’s from Berlin n he’s the sweetest n the most gentleman guy I’ve ever date, romantic n always taking care of my needs. He got a strong character, but of course, he’s german , but still, he respects me so much n i laugh with him so much. There isn’t any bad comment i can say cuz it’s my first german bf n the last one cuz i just love my relationship.

    We can’t generalize or stereotype all germans, i think u just had bad luck n u should give urself another try. It was just a bad experience, but I’m sure even though they’re cold they can be really sweet n special guys.

  47. Dave Says:

    Gosh…there are some haters out there. Have you still got a dagger stuck in your little heart after realising you were nothing but a bum ting? Because a weave and fake nails paired with your stuck up attitude didn’t make the guy pay for your shitty drink? Hmm…although all the Germans are so awful that still didn’t stop you from getting tapped though, did it now? There are some real jokers here.

  48. RD Says:

    I’ve been reading these comments and decided to chime in. First off I’m going to take the responsibility of saying “some” German guys… Not all, definitely do fit the descriptions of this article. I’ve dated several Germans before marrying the one that I am currently with. I love my husband dearly but his sex drive is basically nonexistent. He’s one the sweetest most loving and loyal guys you will ever meet (not to mention strikingly handsome). When we first started our relationship it was long-distance so every time we did get to see each other making love was a regular thing. However, after we made serious commitments and decided to marry it’s like pulling teeth to even get his head in a sexy thinking mode. There’s no adventure games sexy talk or dirty talk, variation, creatively, drive or passion. It’s extremely saddening but I’m committed so now I must adjust. We talked about this together many times and I’ve tried different ways to bring sexy into the bedroom but he’s not having any of it. Every thing about our relationship is great except sex. Choose your man wisely German or not. Two of my ex-boyfriends are German and they both we’re total stallions in the bed so it’s probably better not to make blanket statements about an entire group.

  49. Gigi Says:

    You forgot the split bills!

  50. Harriet Says:

    Fuck!!!!! at least somebody is telling the truth. <3

  51. Sloth Says:

    This article is about German people in general..both men and women..the most boring, rigid, unspontaneous, did I mention boring? Non humurous, dogmatic people on the planet…completely incapable of functioning once a familiar situation becomes unfamiliar…unable to adapt to change or have fun…too worried about looking foolish or silly..cant even join in a sing along or karaoke….

  52. fck u Says:

    This is plain racist and ignorant. THIS ARTICLE IS PLAIN RACIST and ridiculous. What if the title said the same thing about arab or black men? oh that would be a NO NO wouldnt it? Who are you hiring to write your columns? The writer doesn’t even show his face on his FB page nor here.

    This, ladies and gents, is supposed to be ‘alternative’ press. You see? the problem is that now any hipster with a laptop can fancy himself a writer.

    A non german man.

  53. AHAHA Says:

    Dear Lord what a nasty way to troll German muppets, “Germany must perish” style, but guys, could not really see you are being trolled royally by a clickbait worthless article… the only missing in the title is “11 reasons why”… oh boy it works every time

  54. Uberman Says:

    Heartbroken mein Schatz?

  55. Soso Says:

    Honestly this is the most superficial article ever. However everyone is free to have its own opinion and in the end it just gives the feeling that the dating life of the writer is not that thrilling in general. There are always two people attending a date…

  56. Freida Says:

    I must correct you there ….when your with a German man there is only one person on that date HIM …..

  57. Freida Says:

    German men love porn sites and hand jobs … Sorry to be blunt …. The best sex they have is with themselves .!!!

  58. Nadine Says:

    Wow! have you ever thought about the possibility, that it is you, that makes the date that bad? I don’t understand why you are even in germany, if you think the germans, especially the guys are that unbearable! @iheartberlin: what is it with all the german-bashing you are doing here on this site? I don’t get the point! Too superficial and overrated, for my taste.

  59. Sebastian Says:

    ain’t that a racist and sexist article.

    just wow.

    usually i just ignore these international wannabe “journalists” that have been living in berlin (aka germany, not that the distinction matters in their view) for a summer or two and somehow claim to have understood the essence of german culture.

    and no, my criticism doesn’t imply that my “german” “manhood” is being attacked and that’s why i’m writing this, yet i have rarely read anything that is even remotely as childish, intolerant and – putting it simply – dumb as this piece of berlin-hipster-blog-blabla.

    if you’re trying to be funny and witty, please try again or stop trying all together.

    and since nationality seems such a big concern to you when you’re effing around, has it occurred to you, that “dating” is not a one way street?

    that reproducing sexist and nationalistic clichés in a context of being “cool” and “fun” and acquiring clicks is – morally speaking – on the level of macho-men and their neanderthal-attitudes which you surely detest?

    this piece is quite simply embarrassing – i won’t go down the road to tell you to “go (back)” where ever you will find the type of men you seem to crave so deeply because the implication of being a german in berlin who’s against foreigners would be all too easy to draw.

    quite frankly articles like this disgust me. there’s a fine line between irony/sarcasm/humor and blunt racism/sexism/intolerance. and frankly, you don’t seem to be the type of person who knows where this line is respectively even know that it exists.

    enough venting for today – that’s what this “article” was for all along, provoking a reaction of “german men”, am I correct?!? … so here, i threw you an argumentative bone. do yourself a favor and chew on it…

  60. Carla Says:

    Don’t date german men online.. they are weird, bizarre and now I think they are racist. It’s like german women didn’t want them so they are left with subracial women to search on online. At the beginning it will be great but as time passes and you investigate them, complain about no phone calls during the weekend or looking at their pages.. they will run from you. They will reduce communication but they can investigate you. They are big players.. talking to you and 2 others.. this happened to me and he was fat.. nobody is good enough for him.. doesn’t need to be from Berlin.. mine was from Bonn.. german men deserve to be single for life by the level of immaturity, shallow, and lies.. f”” them big time.. an Year of my life waisted

  61. rudy schenker Says:

    This sounds very much the same as dating a german woman.

  62. rudy schenker Says:

    …I mean, since we are being sexist.

  63. kelly Says:

    I’ve been speaking with a german guy, we spoke not too often, sometimes 3 times by week, in the beginning we spoke almost everyday. He is so sweet and considerate but after, I just proved that he is a big lie. He told many things that he did not do. Broken promises and finally just talk

Leave a Reply

We love to hear your opinions, corrections and suggestions, however, impolite, unreasonable and unrelated comments will not be published.